Sunday, July 15, 2012

Rules for Zoomies--by Caitlin

You can do zoomies anywhere, anytime.

I like to do them in the morning while my daddy is still in bed. It wakes him up and lets him know I'm ready to be entertained.

For morning zoomies, you start by racing around the bedroom, bouncing off the bed a few times to get the blood flowing. You then dash through every room in the house.

You mustn't run in a straight line. You have to hurtle around, under, and as much as possible, over every piece of furniture in every room. Bouncing from couch to coffee table is encouraged.

Turns must be as fast and as tight as possible without losing traction.

Intermittent "woof"s  and growls will add to the drama. Or, alternatively, you can carry a squeaky toy (I have a polka-dotted chicken that makes a satisfyingly sorrowful moan.)

Not-quite-controlled sliding as you carom around the kitchen (or other slippery surface) is especially fun, and your nails make a lovely scraping sound as you accelerate through your turns.

Out the dog door and do several high-speed tours of the garden, including a belly-flop in the pool on every circuit.

Hit the dog door in a flying leap on your way back inside. Don't shake yet, although it is permissible to rub some of the water off on the walls and furniture as you race past.

A bounding vault onto the bed should be your grand finale. If you do it right, your front paws will land in the middle of your daddy's chest and your back paws precisely on his bladder.

Then lick his face while simultaneously shaking the water out of your fur.

He will most likely get up soon.