Dog Park Rules--by Caitlin

Dog park rules are posted on the gate as you come into the dog park. No one pays any attention to them. Most people have never even read them. Here's how the dog park really works.

No new dog may enter the park without submitting to an evaluation. If you are a new dog, you and your owner will be met at the gate by a committee whose task is to surround you and impede your progress into the park until everyone who wishes has sniffed your behind to his/her satisfaction. If you show fear, you will be chased all over the park by the entire committee until 

     a) you have proved your worthiness to belong to the group or 

     b) your owner gets so intimidated that he hustles you out of the park and writes a snarky review on Yelp

If you're in the park and your owner calls you or tells you to do something, you must pretend you didn't hear. Instead, join a large pack of other dogs who are racing around the park and go with the flow.

If anyone starts barking, you bark too--and keep barking until further notice.

If a new human comes into the park, and you weigh at least 80 pounds, you must race up to her and jump up on her chest. Keep on bouncing on her until your owner comes and physically hauls you off.

Drooling must be done only when you're standing over a person. Try to place your muzzle directly over his arms or hands. Failing that, make sure you at least get enough slobber on his clothing that he must immediately get up to look for a towel.

Vigorous wrestling must always be done within 12 inches of one or more seated humans. Ideally, you should place at least one person between you and the other dog.

Too Far Away from People

If you see a wrestling match, you must do one or more of the following:
     a) leap in to join the fray
     b) hump any dog whose backside is exposed
     c) start barking as loudly as you can
     d) grab someone's collar and drag her in a random direction

Considerably Better

Chairs have been placed around the park so that you will have somewhere to mark your territory. Extra points are given for making a puddle on the seat, and you earn the coveted Golden Cataract award if you put your mark on an actual person, as well as on the seat.

One chair must always be left vacant so that Rock Star will have a place to sit.

Any running pack must skid into a sharp turn upwind and within 2 feet of the seated humans at least once during every circuit of the park. Performed effectively, this maneuver will result in a gratifyingly dense cloud of dust that envelops the humans from head to toe, reducing visibility by at least 50%.